Memory loss

So I'm going to reveal a problem that I've become increasingly worried about. My memory loss. Or rather I am having problems recalling words and their meanings. As an aspiring writer this is a great concern. Gosh I read very formal don't I? I don't know why I think formality constitues good writing. I have always felt trapped in my mind. Like I'm unable to access or connect to my mind in some way. It scares me. I read other people's work and see how their words flow and how much detail they can describe and I feel inadequate and frustrated. I'm not reaching my full potential and the really scary thing is that I never will. I'll always be trapped inside this inadequate mind. I could have my legs or arms amputated and not feel so (now i'm struggling to find a word that is not 'inadequate').....this is what I mean. I can't find the right word. I could have my arms and legs amputated and not feel as inadequate....as.....as.....so little of myself.....so a part....a part.....I can't find the right word. Damn. This is so fucking frustrating. I'm thinking I should go to a doctor, though I know they can't do anything to help me. I can't argue with people anymore because I can't find the right words under pressure. I've lost my wit. So when I argue I become angry and frustrated and I resort to swearing at people instead of arguing my point coherently. Although not to over emphasis my problem, I do often swear anyway. It's just me. My writing is suffering because of this. It becomes a painfully slow process and I struggle to bring my stories up to the standard I expect. Maybe I'm not as bright as I want to be.

living linked to cancer

this is just in girls, lipgloss has been linked to cancer!

oh for FUUUUUCK SAAAKES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!give me a fucking break with this shit. are you kidding? everyweek there is some new link to cancer. lipgloss? LIPGLOSS??????? i'm actually speechless. it may not seem so, but this post is taking a while to write. i take intervals to pull my hair out.

have you noticed how many tests come out showing a link to cancer? this is because scientists are essentially stupid. they gather maybe 600 people and look for similarities and come to the stunning conclusion that that similarity is the route of all man's woes. this is not science. this is...this...this is well just fucking stupid. god i can't even articulate. the idiocy. if lipgloss os on the table then everything is on the table. leather shoes, synthetic shoes, hot chocolate, crayons, leggo, computers, books, milk, cheeses, brocolli, cabbage and the third down drawer of you dresser.
breathe, just breathe.

new forums

so i'm starting two new forums. one for the horse enthusiast and the other about the australian film and tv industry. after feeling disappointed at the sites i usually visit and a growing frustration that things weren't being done properly i have decided to start my own and show them how it's done. that is moderate, but don't fucking censor like fuck. i do believe in free speech, even those who offend me deeply. afterall, i need my amusement. and lucky me that i should have a passion for the two industries that attract the highest number of deadbeat, fuckwit wannabe dreamers the universe can muster. why? why? oh god, does this say something about moi? fuck i hope not.
i'm not a dreamer. i'm a hoper. dreams are not reality. hope is all i have. ek, that reads lame as. whateva.
so the two forums are usuable now, but not really ready. i got some tweaking to do and then i'll have to spruke 'em. they won't be enabling any financial gain. just public notoriety. that i prefer anyway. i'm used to living on a dole budget.
i have also decided to enter scriptapalooza and specscriptacular near the end of the year. wish me luck if you're not the competition. i'm entering on one hour existing show spec for 'supernatural', (hmm, must write me in a nude scene for jensen ackles....drools) and a one one hour dramedy or 1/2 hour sitcom original pilot. i'm still deciding if i should wrie my sci-fi comedy as a half hour or go the buffy route. make it one funny as fuck drama/comedy. the big question remains, though...can i do funny as fuck???? i guess we'll see soon enough. i'm struggling with plot on the supernatural spec and i'm struggling with characters in the pilot. erm, annoying somewhat. well i won't go into the stories as yet. not until i have them entered in august.
later,
xoxoxo

Cue Credits

If only we all had a preview trailer to our lives. Just a glimpse into our journey, an idea of where our path will lead. Just enough to see how much we screw up and early enough so that we can intervene in time to change the mistakes into inspired decisions, before the damage in irrepairable.
You know what else would be nice? A running commentary. A clear voice that comments on the decisions we make as we make them. An insider to tell us what all the other actors are thinking.
I would also like the opportunity to critique my life after death. (I know, why bother right? The damage is done, but if I can see where my decision making went awry I might be able to do them better in the next life. Assuming there is a next life).
No doubt my life will be a cringe worthy experience. I would sit in the audience booing the villains of the piece, laugh at the goofy comedy, cry over the token love interest. Then I'd grumble at the cheesy writing, wonder at the hopeless direction and cringe at the terrible acting.
All my bad decisions played for me in all their painful and beautiful glory. I will certainly marvel at the realistic production values, but how could I ignore the emptiness in the story. There will be a beginning, a muddle, but what of the end? Will it be complete and replete with meaningfullness and depth? Will it be an adventure or a fantasy? Will it be a tragedy or a comedy? An urban thriller or a thought provoking drama?
I guess it all depends how it goes in-
THE END.

ground zero

well here i am at ground zero. the beginning. the birth. the alpha and the omega. a little dramatic? me thinks so too. but what do you expect from a failed actress/aspiring screenwriter?

i'm sitting here in a tiny hot and stuffy cramped cupboard posing as a legit office space for a 'work for the dole' scheme. you know, one of those schemes where the government throws money at people to help ease societies woes and then doesn't check up on the funding recipients progress to ensure that that natural human proclivity to lie, bullshit and decieve any way we can to steal a buck isn't hindering my job searching efforts.

*sigh*

they also never seem to take into account the governmental tradition of throwing money at organisations that are set-up soley to receive that money by people who have no real interest or passion for the organisation they set-up. this tends to lead to a waivering of commitment on the money receivers part. it's kinda like throwing hundred dollar bills on to the surface of a river and sending unemployed plebs like me a kilometre down river to wait for the money to float to our hands. either the money sinks before hand or is ruined by the journey and is too wet and soggy to do anyone any good. any money that does survive the trip ends up only helping a few and not as many as the government promised. they don't tell you about the big wet river where all your tax dollars are sinking into; never reaching the likes of me. so i sit here notching up my googling levels ( a bit like warcraft or such. the more you google the more google power you gain-hmm i don't think that makes sense) and not really furthering my employment prospects.

oops, just been told i can go home. see ya!